Thursday, June 14, 2012

My Anti-Fairy Tale.

Have you ever felt like something wasn't real until you put words to it and wrote it down? That's how I feel about most things. There's an idea I've been wrestling with in my head. I've only vocalized it once, and it was really scary. I don't know if I'm really ready to write it down, but I'm trying it today. So bear with me.

"And my God will liberally supply (fill to the full) your every need 
according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." 
Philippians 4:19 (AMP)

Do I really believe this? I'd like to say that I do. But I don't know if I'm living like I believe it. Actually. I know I'm not. There are two huge areas of my life that I've noticed this lately. The most tangible is my finances. I know that God can and will supply all of my needs because He says He will, and because I've experienced His provision before. Over and over again. [Oh, how easy it is for me to say that. Lord, help me to LIVE IT.] So, if I've experienced God's faithfulness before, and I say I believe His Word...why do I still worry about money? When I give something up to God (even though it's already His anyway...), and then continue to worry about it or let it consume my thoughts, haven't I just picked it right back up again? It's like I'm saying "Here, God. I'll let you handle this...but just in case you can't, I'll keep trying to figure it out on my own over here on the side." I must be really dumb. Compared to God, I know nothing. Nothing. But I still like to pretend that I do. That's so much extra work! It would be significantly easier for me to give everything over to God and just rest in His provision. Instead, I fight it. I try to stay in control of something that has never once belonged to me. Why am I so afraid of relinquishing control?

The bigger issue related to my distrust is my singleness. [I tried to find a better way to say that. There wasn't one.] Again, I know that God can take care of me, and He has promised to do just that. I believe Him. The problem occurs when I try to take control. Sometimes I try to take control because I'm lonely. Most of the time, I'm fine being a single. But sometimes it gets awkward when everyone else is pairing off, and I make the total number odd instead of even. In situations like this, it's easier for me to stay home. Yes, this means I miss out on things, and I hate that. But it also means I don't have to risk humiliation or questions. When you're 25 and single, you inspire a lot of questions. Especially at church.Sometimes I try to take control because I'm just tired of answering questions. No, I'm not married. No, I'm not dating anyone. No, I'm not miserable. No, I don't feel like less of a person because I'm not married. Sure, I'd like to get married and have kids one day, but that's not what defines my life. Sometimes I try to take control because somewhere deep down, I still think my life is a fairy tale. This is honestly the one I struggle with the most. Doesn't that seem silly? No, I don't think I'm secretly a princess... Let me try to explain this thought process to you a little better.
I'm good with being single. Really. Yes, it's lonely sometimes, and I hate answering the same questions over and over again, but I don't really feel like I'm missing out on anything by not being married. There is freedom here. There's freedom to go where God sends me without coordinating anyone's life but my own. There's freedom to spend 5 days in Nashville to be involved with my best friend's wedding. There's freedom to visit my sister in New York City. There's freedom to travel and be there for the birth of my friends' future children and my future nieces and nephews. All of these things (and more) could still happen if I was married, but it would certainly be more complicated. There's simplicity in being single. I firmly believe that the Lord will sustain me no matter my situation. Still... there's something in the back of my mind. This, most likely, can be attributed to the Enemy. Doubt. Pride. Selfishness. That's where that little "something" stems from. Let me tell you what it sounds like...
People always tell me they found "Mr. Right" as soon as they stopped looking. So I'm not looking for Mr. Right. Is that because I'm genuinely not concerned with getting married? Or is it because I think as soon as I stop looking, he'll magically appear? (Fairy Tale life...) I can honestly tell you that I don't know what my motive is in not looking for Mr. Right. That scares me. I don't know which one is my answer. Am I not looking because it doesn't bother me? Or am I not looking because I think that's what it takes to actually find him? I don't know. Either way, I can say I'm not looking all day long, but I'm still evaluating every guy I meet. It's like I'm wondering if he'll be the one to "break the spell"...Like I'm under some kind of curse (think Snow White or Sleeping Beauty or Enchanted or The Little Mermaid, etc.). I'm just waiting for "The One" who will break the spell and release me from the curse of singleness. Wouldn't that be sweet.

Here's the thing though...singleness isn't a curse! If being single is God's will for my life, then it's the best gift! Whether it's His will for now or His will for always, I should treat it like a gift because God has given it to me. It's part of His plan for my life. It's part of His grace that has been extended to me in spite of myself and my shortcomings. I should treasure my singleness. I know the Lord will sustain me. In Matthew 6, it says:

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. 
Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (Matt. 6:25-27, 33-34)

So I can rest in this. God provides for the birds and I am more valuable to Him than the birds. So He will provide for me as well. I know this in my head. It's time for me to believe it and know it in my heart. Just like the father in Mark 9 cries out to the Lord, "I believe; help my unbelief!"

Will you join me in praying that we can live out what we say we believe? More than that though, let's be thankful for our current situations because God will use them to shape us into who He designed us to be.

1 comment:

  1. Wow i enjoyed reading this n i believe God has a great guy out there for u n He will always take care of u as long as leaning on Him