Day 31: Grace

If there is one thing I have learned over these last 31 days, it's this:

I am allowed to give myself grace.

I am notoriously quick to condemn myself and yet offer grace and 2nd and 3rd and 50th chances to those around me. I've noticed the contradiction, and I don't want to stop giving more chances to those I love. Yes, I know I need to protect myself and there are extremes. There are always extremes. But here's the thing. Jesus KNEW Judas would betray Him, and He still loved him the same as His other friends.

This month, I didn't run every time I said I would. I had an allergic reaction, got a little sick, fought off really getting sick, drank a lot of coffee, drank a lot of water, started eating more vegetables and less sodium, watched baseball, discovered a matte topcoat for my fingernail polish, sang a lot, and wrote a little bit. Among other things. I didn't write every day for 31 days. I joked with my boyfriend early on that instead of "a post a day for 31 days", mine was more like "31 posts within 31 days". And I think that's okay.

I'm allowed to give myself grace. It's okay for me to believe what God says about me instead of what I say about me. I wish I had been able to run more this month, but that just means I really have to get on it in the next months so I'll be ready for the 15K in January. Like I've said before, sometimes real life happens and "gets in the way" of our plans. But usually those are the times that I've learned to treasure the most. Those are the times that reveal something about ourselves and our priorities. Those times are grace too.

Since it's Halloween today, here's a picture from the church costume party last night. (It doesn't matter that this morning I have bags under my eyes and my lips are stained from the lipstick, right?) We had a great time!

(This boy is another picture of grace. Also, you can't see much of them, but I painted some knockoff Keds yellow for this outfit--the same yellow I used to paint the bowtie. They were the best part of the whole costume!)

Day 30: Real Life

Sometimes real life gets in the way of your plans. And I think that's okay.

Sometimes real life is WAY more important than plans because most of the time real life involves people.

And people are always more important than plans.

Day 29: Expectations

Ever noticed that we can be our own worst enemies? Our expectations are rarely, if ever, right. My expectations are usually too high and then I end up disappointed because real life didn't live up to the fairy tale in my head. Or B--my expectations are too low and I doubt the sincerity of the goodness of real life. Both of those things are...bad. My life is good. I have Jesus, so I have everything that I need. And He loves me so much that He gives me so many extra things that I don't need. In human, earthly terms, I have food, clothing, shelter, a car that runs, and people that love me. So I'm set. I don't need anything else. So I have no need to expect more. I'm not entitled to anything. I receive grace from the Lord. That's the only reason I get anything. So having expectations--whether high or low--messes me up. It messes up my perspective which messes up my gratitude. And that sucks.

In the running world, having expectations can mess up your training and your performance on race day. When I ran my first half marathon last year, I had 3 goals: 1. Don't fall down. 2. Don't finish last. 3. Run the whole time. Those may seem really dumb to you, but I wanted to have tangible, attainable goals so I would ENJOY the race and not be anxious the whole time. I felt great that day. I wasn't nervous. I wasn't super sore afterwards. I felt like my training had reached a peak on that day, and it was awesome to cross the finish line and know that I had accomplished something that a lot of people will never try. I love the feeling of finishing a race. If I had gone into that day with goals like coming in first or in the top 10 or even beating my mile time, I would have failed. But since I set goals that fit for my first half marathon, I was able to feel great about what I did that day. In my next half, one of my goals will be to beat the time from my first one. That's the main reason I didn't set a time goal for the first half. I had a number in my head that I thought would be okay, but I also wasn't so committed to that number that I would be devastated when I didn't make it. And I didn't. And I still felt great. I wanted a starting point. I want a reference point so I can say "when I wasn't trying to be fast, this was my time", and now I'll have something to work towards beating. Now, because of that, I have a pre-set goal for my next half marathon. Having goals is important, but it's also important to know ourselves and to know our bodies. To know when to push and when to rest. When to try harder and when to wait. It's hard to get it right all the time, but God knows us better than we know ourselves and He gives wisdom generously to all who ask. (James 1:5)

Day 28: Recovery

They say you should take one day off for every mile you run in a race...unless you're continuing your training for something else. Just like most other times it's used, I can't put a face or name to "they". I know some people cannot take that much time off. They get antsy and have pent up energy that they need to get rid of somehow, so they don't take 13 days off after a half or 26 after a full marathon. I think that's okay sometimes. You have to read your body to know what you need. It's not going to be the same for every person. It shouldn't be. Your training isn't exactly the same as someone else's. Even if you train together and do the same exact things, your body is yours and their body is theirs and it's different. Some people (me) have a hard time starting again after 13 days off. Especially if it's winter. I've told you before that I'm VERY good at talking myself out of things.

We need rest and recovery after other events in our lives too--not just races, not just exercise, not just training. Sometimes we need to recover from life. My mom and sister visited over the weekend, and we went full speed ahead the entire time they were here. And it's already Tuesday and I'm still exhausted! That's right. It's not Monday. I forgot to post yesterday on the actual 28th because I was nearly asleep for most of the day. :) Today is better, so you'll hopefully get two posts and I'll hopefully get a run in. We shall see, my friends. We shall see.

Day 25: Time

I am not good at time. I'm notoriously late to everything. My friends used to tell me to get places 30 minutes before they actually started so I'd be there on time. One time I actually showed up at the time they told me, and they were all shocked. Good times. I'm a teensy bit better about it these days, but not really. The truth is, I have NO concept of how long it takes me to do anything. Also. I tend to forget to start things until the last minute. Whether that is getting ready or cleaning or getting out of bed...everything. I know that I function better and I'm happier when I have plenty of time to do things and get places. But sometimes my procrastinating, lazy side wins out. I hate that. I don't want to be known for that forever. Today, I failed at changing my habits. I didn't allow enough time for everything I needed to do this morning.

My mom and sister will be here tonight, and my room is currently a giant pile of clothes. So when I get home today, I'm going to put those clothes away and change the sheets on my bed and try to make some open space for them to live in this weekend. They'll only be here for a few days, but there is something deep inside of me that wants to be a good hostess. So I'll try with the space I have. I hope to one day have a house where people feel welcomed and loved. Where the girls in my Sunday School class can come and bake cookies and pile up on the furniture and sleep over. Where students can spread out and eat snacks and stay up all night talking (girls) or wrestling in the basement (boys) during weekend retreats. I don't care what it looks like or if it's brand new or has the nicest appliances and newest style of hardwood floors. I just want it to be open. And feel like home. The older I get, the more I appreciate the stuff that really matters, and it's not stuff at all. It's people. People matter. I want my life to reflect that. THAT'S what I want to be known for forever. Not for being late. But for noticing people and making them feel like they matter.

Day 24: Sleep?

2 things.
1. I am too old to stay up past midnight anymore.
2. It is stinkin' COLD in Georgia.

I got in the bed at 2am this morning. And then sadly out of it again at 7:30. That's not long enough. If I had been watching a movie that has some deep meaning or having a heart-to-heart with a friend, it would be fine for me to be up that late. But I was helping the boy with homework. His week has been insane with 2 tests, a paper, a presentation, plus the normal amount of work he has every week. He also works and coaches a baseball team, so our time together includes homework/studying/editing a lot. Sometimes I think about going back to school, but then I remember homework and I decide I don't want to go back to school.

In other news, I live in the south. It should be sweltering in the summer, perfect in September/October (think 70s during the day, 50s at night...bonfire weather), mildly chilly at night in November to allow for scarves and boots and sweaters and other fall items, and then cold in Dec/Jan. Some snow would be nice too. Then reverse that schedule until it gets stupid hot in May again. So my question is...WHY was it in the 30s when I got up this morning???? Every year I play a little game that I like to call "how many layers can I wear without looking like the Michelin Man?" Today, it's 3. I have on tights under my dress pants. Thank you, Mom, for teaching me how to layer!

I'm not sure if I'll get to run today, but I have 3 more days (after today) to get 2 more runs in, so I think I can manage. Still trying to talk my sister into running with me when she's here this weekend. The fact that the HIGH on Saturday is 61 should be irrelevant, right? I'm not bitter. Promise. (crossed my fingers)

Day 23: Lifers

You know how sometimes you can be with someone that knows you so well that you feel like you can just relax and be yourself and they will still love you? I hope you do know that feeling. You feel that way because you have experience with these people. They have likely lived through good times and bad times with you. They have probably seen you at your best and even at your worst, and yet! they are still right there with you! They haven't given up on you, and you haven't given up on them. Sometimes friendship isn't easy. Sometimes, you're separated from your friends my miles, hours, time zones, or state lines. Sometimes, you're in different life stages where it makes sense for you to have other friends in addition to your lifelong friends. Sometimes the roles of your lifelong friends change. That doesn't lessen their significance. It actually kind of makes them more valuable, if that's even possible.

I have some lifelong friends. I hope you do too. I'm missing my girls particularly today. No reason that I can nail down, other than it's Wednesday and I miss my lifers. These girls have played huge roles in my life already. For example, when I ran the half last November, 2 of my friends came to support me and actually ran parts of the race with me. So really my best friends have literally joined me in the race. Literally and figuratively. I am so blessed and I hope my lifers know they're missed and loved dearly. I hope you have friends like this too. We were not made to go through life alone. On the first day of this year, the post at (in)courage included this quote: "Alone is not an option." I wrote it on a post-it, stuck it on the edge of my computer screen, and I see it every day. Even when I feel like I am or want to be alone, I see that quote and I'm reminded that I was made to be in relationships with other people. Jesus was, wasn't He? The times when I feel like I want to isolate myself from the rest of the world are the times that I probably need people the most. I'm so thankful that God orchestrates my life and that I am not in charge. I'm so thankful that God brought my people into my life at the perfect times and He continues to intertwine their lives with mine. If it were up to me, I'd screw it up. But He is perfect and His timing is perfect and the relationships He builds are perfect. I am so glad I get to enjoy the ones He's brought into my life.

Day 22: Just Keep Going

I ran again today and I gave myself permission to not try to go faster. My goal was to finish my mileage for the day, and I did. I actually felt pretty good during and after the run considering I skipped an entire week. The first day back is always a good motivator to not miss any other days. It's amazing how quickly our bodies adapt. God made us so well.

So I'm back in the saddle...again. I'll hopefully run again on Thursday and Saturday. My mom and one sister are coming to visit me this weekend because I'm singing at church on Sunday and it's also Mom's birthday and she wants to go to IKEA. Who can blame her? We're also going to eat at wonderful places and have a grand old time. :) But I'm hoping to squeeze in a run on Saturday morning. Maybe sister will run with me.

Day 21: Begin Again

So. Last week I was sick. I'm not 100% sure of the cause. But I do know I had a reaction to something, and it stayed with me through Sunday. I feel a lot better this week, so whoo-hoo. With that being said... I didn't run last week. I felt awful and could not breathe, and I didn't think it was a good idea. When I set my sisters on course to run the 15K in January, I had them start the schedule at a time that allowed for 2 extra weeks just in case we needed to repeat a week or one of us got sick. So here I am. I got sick. I skipped a week. My plan is to run after work tomorrow, but it's supposed to be raining. If the hourly forecast is correct, there may be a small window of not rain in the afternoon, so hopefully I can capitalize on that. If not, I've run in the rain before. I need to start back as soon as possible though. I know how I work and I know the longer I wait to begin again, the harder it will be to find motivation. Anyone else with me? I can talk myself out of just about anything. It's a blessing and a curse. On one hand, I've found reasons to not be involved with things that I had no business doing (not necessarily bad things, just not the best things). On the other hand, I've also found reasons excuses to not do things I should do. So it's important for me to try to find a healthy balance. Talking myself out of running is good on very rare occasions--when I'm sick or in danger of overtraining and my body just needs to rest. Most of the time, I feel 1 billion percent better after I run than I felt before. So I need to use my persuasive powers for good and talk myself INTO running. Here goes nothing.

***Here's a fun fact that is in not entirely relevant: The title here is the only TSwift song I've ever enjoyed and purposefully listened to. I appreciate her talent. Just don't personally dig it. Please do not be hateful. Personal preference.

Day 20: Choose Wisely

After all, there aren't many things I have any sort of control over. I can't control how anyone treats me, but I can decide how to treat them. Here's to choosing wisely.

Day 19: Even if...

PS--I asked Jesus into my heart 20 YEARS ago today! Best decision I've ever made.

Day 18: Focus

Sometimes after I've had a few days off from running, my body kind of craves it. It's so nice to have that time--whether it's 15 minutes or 2 hours--where I can focus on just running and not falling down. I can focus on my breathing. I can listen to my body. I can talk to God and listen for what He has to say to me that day. I can look at the world around me and take notice of things I may have missed if I was just driving by instead of passing them on foot. Running opens up a whole other world. Sometimes. Other times, I get distracted by my sock bunching up or my leggings getting twisted or my shoe squeaking. I let those things get in the way of my focus and I let them rob me of my time of refreshment. That's pretty dumb, huh? I think it is. Of course there are times that I need to pay attention to something else--if I have an injury or have tweaked a muscle or something, I should let it distract me enough to make me stop and pay attention. But all the miniscule things that I let get in the way--that's what's dumb.

It's amazing to me how many connections there are between running and life. Just like when running, life is great when I'm focused on the right things. On Jesus. On His Kingdom. On bringing glory to God. It's when I get distracted by money problems or comparing myself to others that I start to feel bad. If I can just focus, I'm great. I can do anything. I can run any distance. But if I let myself get distracted, I'll give up.

I want to be a finisher and not a quitter. I'm praying for God to remove distractions and help me to focus. You too?

Day 17: Listen

I haven't been running this week. I wrote on Tuesday about having an allergic reaction, and the effects of that have lingered through the rest of the week. So I didn't run today either. Plus it was raining. I don't mind running in the rain when it's warm outside, but it's officially Fall in Georgia, and I've been "under the weather" this week already, so I didn't think running in the cold rain would be a good idea. This weekend the weather is supposed to be perfectly Fall-ish. Highs in the low 70s, and lows in the mid 40s. Sunny with just a few clouds. It sounds glorious. Makes me want to go to a pumpkin patch and drink apple cider. :) I've been wearing boots for a couple of weeks already, and if you know me, you know I wear scarves year round. So it's nice for the weather to finally catch up to what I've already been doing. Ha.

Tonight, instead of running, I grabbed some books and my journal and set off for Starbucks. I had a free drink on my rewards card (best feeling ever), so I ordered a decaf drink and sat down, put my headphones in and read and listened and wrote. Even though I talk to God every day, it's good for me to write out my words to Him sometimes. There have been times when journaling my prayers has allowed me to see how ridiculous and anxious I was being. There have been times when it's allowed me to see a part of the big picture I was missing before. But mostly, it always helps me focus. If you're like me and most other people, it's easy to get distracted when you're praying unless you're praying out loud or writing it down. So writing helps me stay focused. I've had a pretty busy week. Add that to not feeling 100% awesome, and I was pretty worn out and worn down. Tonight, I was able to take a little time and just be still and listen.

It's important for us to take care of ourselves. No one else knows what you need except you and Jesus, and most of the time we don't even REALLY know what we need. So just like we have to listen to our bodies when training for anything, we need to listen to our souls too. If you stop and listen for even just a second, you'll know when you need a break. And taking that break is the best thing you can do for yourself and for the ones you love. If that means coffee, Pandora, and your journal like me, then that's awesome. If taking a break means girls' night out (or in), going to a movie, or whatever, that's great. Just take care of yourself. Listen.

Day 15: Struggle

In my whole life, I've had maybe 5 allergic reactions. 4 that I can remember. I'm allergic to CHEER laundry detergent, but I don't remember what happens when I'm near it. I've just been told about it, so I'm sure something happened in my life to determine that allergy. As for the other 4, I'm not sure what caused them. The first one I can remember was about 7 years ago, I think. I was in college. That's about as much as I can narrow it down for you. And it was late summer. So maybe my sophomore year at Belmont? Anyway. I had eaten dinner with my family. Mostly our own farm raised foods. All things I'd eaten before. And then when I got back to my parents' house, I noticed I was having a hard time breathing. And I was itchy. Well, my stomach, back, palms, feet, and lips were itchy. My mom checked it out and said it looked like someone had drawn on me with a pink highlighter where all the whelps were on my body. I somehow managed to convince her that I did not need to go to the doctor, and just took some Benadryl and went to sleep. I woke up about 2 hours later and threw up. Think projectile. Definitely not good. I went back to sleep after that, and then we went to the doctor the next day (a Sunday afternoon, I think). My doctor pretty much told me I was dumb. She said anytime you throw up when you're having a reaction, it's not good and you need to get to the doctor quickly. So with food allergies, there's not really a way to test you to see what the cause was, so I was sent home with an Epipen and instructions to pay attention to what I was eating--especially if I had another reaction.

Since then, I've had 2 other reactions--neither as extreme, and my Epipen has expired with no renewal from me. (I know that's probably bad. I'm sorry.) Today, I'm having another one. The feelings associated with my reactions are pretty distinctive, which is good because I know what's going on. I took some allergy meds, so I'm currently still breathing, only itching a little, and not throwing up. I'm also very sleepy. Fun times. I've made promises to my mother and my boyfriend that I will go to the doctor if it gets worse, but I'm thinking I'll be okay.

I'd normally be running on a Tuesday, but tonight I'm meeting my friend for dinner. I'm glad this is happening on a day that I already was planning to not run because there's no chance I could make it through today. I'm not all that concerned. I'll run tomorrow instead, and I think that's okay. It is a little bit irritating though because I've been eating better and wanted to feel great, and today I just don't. So hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to tell you about how adding vegetable and cleaner foods to my everyday has made me feel so much better already. I'll let you know. :)

Day 14: A Different Kind of Fuel

Last week, my boyfriend took me to Moe's for lunch on Tuesday. I got a burrito bowl, and it was delicious. I ran Tuesday night and felt awesome. On Thursday, I ate Ramen noodles for lunch. That was also delicious. (I love noodles.) I ran Thursday night and felt awful. I ate food that wasn't super nutritious on Friday, then I ran on Saturday morning and felt awful again. In the past, I've been able to tell when I haven't had enough water by how I felt when I ran, but this is the first time I've been able to tell a difference based on what I ate. How strange that all those people who talk about fueling your body correctly are RIGHT. It makes perfect sense, really. Our bodies function better if they are fueled properly.

For lent this year, I gave up coffee because it had become something other than just coffee to me. You can read about it here. I drink a lot of water on a regular basis and I can detect a definite difference when I haven't had enough or as much as usual. I want to get that way about fresh, clean foods. I want my body to crave vegetables and fruits and lean protein the way it currently craves water (or cookies...let's be real). So I bought some raw veggies last night and other healthier foods, and this week is going to be a bit of an experiment to see if I can feel the difference. I'll keep you updated.

Day 13: Early Mornings

 

 

Taken from my Pinterest board.

Day 12: Let It Go

Taken from my Pinterest board.

Day 11: Fuel

"This I know, if we’re not being fueled by the hope of Jesus Christ, we’re looking to something else to keep our weary engines rolling, and sister, this I know, it will come up dry. Every time. The hope of Jesus Christ is our fuel. Hope in Him today. He’s got you. He’s carrying you."

--Lindsee Eddy at LPMblog

I tweeted a link to one of her posts the other day. I think we'd be best friends if we lived close and actually knew each other. 

Day 10: Sometimes I Forget

Sometimes I forget. I forget my goals. I forget how God can redeem anything and turn it into something beautiful. I forget how special and wonderful the people in my life are. I get distracted by the silly, minuscule details and forget the important things. I get caught up in the stuff that doesn't matter and forget what I know is true. I mess up. A lot. Thankfully, Jesus forgives me every time and doesn't dwell on my past mistakes. And thankfully, my people do too. I hope you don't take your people for granted. Relationships are what stay with you. Stuff goes away. You can lose it. But if you value your people, you won't lose them. I want to be known as someone who values people over everything else. My friend, Matt Burchett was over the orientation program at Belmont when I was there. He always said "People over programs." It was how we got through every single orientation session--by focusing on the people and not getting caught up in the program. I want to live my life like that. People over programs. People over material things. People over my doubt and fears. People matter. My people matter. They matter to me. I hope they know it.

Day 9: Making Time

My life at work is about to get really busy. The last time I was this busy at work, I would bring work home with me and work for hours each evening to try and get things done. That situation ended well, but I'm trying to be much more intentional about my time these days. I work in IT, and it would be very easy to get caught up in the newest gadgets and phones and tablets, but I just can't. Also, I don't want to. I want my life to be about the relationships and connections I build and not about what's in my hand and how fast it downloads stuff. Most of the time when I think I don't have enough time to get everything I want to do done, it's because I'm spending too much time on things that don't matter.

So even though work is getting busy, I still want to make time for the important things: taking care of myself (aka running, sleeping, eating right, etc.) and taking care of my relationships.