Friday, October 2, 2015

Day 2: Fight Song

I'm probably late to this party, but I am loving Rachel Platten's "Fight Song". Sometimes I feel like other people write the words I wish I could write, and the chorus of this song is like that. Have you ever read a book or heard a song and thought "yes! this is what I've been trying to say!"? I have. I do. A lot. Most of the time, it's just stuff that resonates with me and how I feel about stuff and what I believe. But with this song, it's what I'm too scared to say on my own. I'm too concerned with what other people think of me. Some of those people are relevant to my life and some are strangers. I shouldn't care what anyone thinks of me. That's easy to write. Easy to say. Not easy to live like I believe.

I know all the quotes about how I shouldn't care what people think of me because they're not thinking of me. I have most of those quotes pinned on Pinterest. I read them and think about how great it would feel to just be free and to not care about the opinions of others, but there's still pride in my heart. I want to believe that I'm important enough for others to think of me. There's still stubbornness. I want to pretend like there's nothing wrong and everything's fine. There's still fear. I am so afraid that I'll show people the real me with the scars and rough edges and mistakes and shortcomings and flaws and then they will react in exactly the same way I see it play out in my head. They'll leave. Rejection. Loneliness. Insignificance. That's what I'll feel. Again.

The lesson I taught in the 12th Grade Girls' Life Group class a few weeks ago was about the importance of loving yourself so then you can turn around and love others well. God always works it out to where I teach about the things I need to learn the most. I obviously haven't learned it yet. But I want to. I want to believe what the Bible says about me. I want to know with everything inside of me that God has a plan and a purpose for my life and that I matter. I'm tired of being afraid. I think it's kept me more alone than I would be if I actually put myself out there and took a chance.

Every time this song comes on the radio when I'm in the car, I belt it out. I want the words to be true of me. I want to take back my life from the fears and insecurities that have held me captive for so long. I want to prove--more to myself than to anyone else--that I'm alright. I want to just not care if ANYONE else believes it or believes in me. I want to be secure in who I am in Christ and let the rest of it go.

Maybe I'll get a little closer to that every time I belt out these words and remember that Jesus says I'm worth it.

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