Day 27: "Flawless" (Not Beyonce)

Have you ever misheard lyrics? I know I'm not the only one who has because Jimmy Fallon has a whole hashtag about it. There's a song called "T-R-O-U-B-L-E" by Travis Tritt, and when I was little I thought the words were "I spilt tea all over your BLT." Which is, you know,  a legitimate reason to write a song. You gotta tell em their sandwich is soggy. No good.

Anyway...that hasn't happened to me in a long time, but recently I figured out I was singing this song completely wrong (full disclosure: I also thought Building 429's song "I press on" was called "Happy Song" and I was really confused about it.) This song says "The cross has made you flawless." However, I was hearing "The cross has made you promise" which is just bad theology. Jesus didn't make us promise anything to Him. He didn't wait to die until we agreed to do our part. He just did it anyway. Even though He knew we were going to keep messing up over and over again. Just like this song says, it's never too late! As long as you have breath in your lungs, you can have Jesus and His life and His love and His grace and His mercy and His forgiveness and all you have to do is give up trying to do it all yourself! That's it! Just admit to God that you are just messing it all up and you cannot do it anymore. He has to take over. He wants to take over our lives. Not in a creepy possessed kind of way, but in a He knows way better than we ever will kind of way. We just have to stop trying to control it and let Him take it all over. Honestly, even in the times when I am most anxiously trying to control everything, I don't really want to. I am just believing the lies from the devil that are telling me I have to work harder, do more, be more, and I certainly can't give up. But God says "go ahead and give it up. You don't have to work harder or do anything differently. You can come just as you are. I already love you." We don't have to promise God anything in order to get salvation, but we do GET to promise ourselves to God. God never breaks His promises, but He is always willing to forgive and forget when we break ours. And we will. We always do. He stays perfect through our imperfection. He stays faithful through our unfaithfulness. He stays close through our drifting. He just wants you. That's it. You don't have to bring anything, but you will still want to. When you experience God's grace, you will want to promise Him everything and give Him all you have. And all we have is our own life. Thankfully, all we have to give is exactly what He wants.

Don't mishear these lyrics. And be careful with your tea around other peoples' sandwiches.

"Flawless" (MercyMe)

There's got to be more
Than going back and forth
From doing right to doing wrong
‘Cause we were taught that's who we are
Come on get in line right behind me
You along with everybody
Thinking there's worth in what you do

Then like a hero who takes the stage when
We're on the edge of our seats saying it's too late
Well let me introduce you to amazing grace

No matter the bumps
No matter the bruises
No matter the scars
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless
No matter the hurt
Or how deep the wound is
No matter the pain
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless

Could it possibly be
That we simply can't believe
That this unconditional
Kind of love would be enough
To take a filthy wretch like this
And wrap him up in righteousness
But that's exactly what He did

Take a breath smile and say
Right here right now I'm ok because
The cross was enough

Then like a hero who takes the stage when
We're on the edge of our seats saying it's too late
Well let me introduce you to grace grace
God's grace

No matter what they say
Or what you think you are
The day you called His name
He made you flawless

Day 26: "Good to Me"

Audrey Assad has magic in her voice and her pen. She writes my prayers and she doesn't even know it. I have mentioned it already this month, but I love it when I hear songs that feel like I could have written them if I had the words for it. They proclaim the cry of my heart or at least the cry I want to come from my heart. This song is no exception. God is so good to us and nothing can steal our joy. Even when it seems like nothing is going right and everything is falling all around us, we can rest in Him and put our trust in Him and He will still be good.

"Good to Me"

I put all my hope on the truth of Your promise
and I steady my heart on the ground of Your goodness
When I’m bowed down with sorrow I will lift up Your name
and the foxes in the vineyard will not steal my joy

Because You are good to me, good to me
You are good to me, good to me
You are good to me

I lift my eyes to the hills where my help is found
Your voice fills the night, raise my head up and hear the sound
Though fires burn all around me I will praise You, my God
and the foxes in the vineyard will not steal my joy

Because You are good to me, good to me
You are good to me, good to me
You are good to me

Your goodness and mercy shall follow me
all my life
I will trust in Your promise

Because You are good to me, good to me
You are good to me, good to me
You are good to me

Day 21: "Even If (The Healing Doesn't Come)"

It's really easy to say we trust God, but it is not so easy to actually do it. I may be easy to trust Him when everything is going our way or at least when nothing bad is happening...but we also tend to forget God when everything is good. It's in the hard times that we remember to talk to God, but it's those times that make it harder to trust Him too. That's when our faith really shows. If things are not perfect, we should still believe and declare that God is still good. His goodness is not dependent on our circumstances. Our trust should not be dependent on our circumstances either. The thing about God is...He's WAY smarter than us. He knows how it's all going to work out even when it seems like we're never going to make it. He not only knows what's going on, but He's going to make all of the things work together for our good and His glory. Even when it doesn't look good from our perspective, it can still work for our good when God is in control. And, guess what. God is always in control.

"Even If (The Healing Doesn't Come)" (Kutless)

Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true
Of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That can never change who You are
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come

Lord we know Your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
And even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
We rest in who You are

Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come

You're still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You're working all things for our good
We'll sing your praise

Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come

You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn't come
Even if the healing doesn't come

Day 7: "It is well"

Bethel Music released an album called "You Make Me Brave" and I think I love every song on it. One of my favorites is called "It is well". It alludes to the hymn which I think is great. I like it when people redo hymns without just changing up the beat and "remixing" it. This is more of a rethinking of the hymn. It kind of unpacks how things that seem earth shattering to us don't seem that big to God. Not that they aren't important...but just that they are still completely manageable and within the scope of His power and plan. Anything that seems impossible to us is completely possible to God. We have to trust Him and keep our eyes on Him. If we do that, we can see that it really can be well with our souls. If our focus shifts to our circumstances, we fall apart, but as long as we are focused on God, we can say "it is well".


Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well
Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me

Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can’t see
And this mountain that’s in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well
Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well, It is well

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name

It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

Day 6: "The Stand"

In 2008 (yes, I looked it up), Hillsong United released an album. One of the songs from that album is called "The Stand". It builds beautifully and the lyrics are honest. The line of the song that I think is the most important says "What could I say, what could I do, but offer this heart, oh God, completely to you?" When we really see all that God has done for us, do we have any other option? There's nothing else we can do but offer our whole life to the One who made us and loves us more than we'll ever be able to fathom.

"The Stand" acknowledges what Christ has done for us because of His love for us, and then it responds with surrender. With awe. With determination for how our lives should look after we've encountered the Living God. It's both an admission and a challenge. When you've seen God, there's no other or better response than to offer your heart to Him. Completely.

Here are today's lyrics:

You stood before creation

Eternity in your hand

You spoke the earth into motion

My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure

And carried the cross for my shame

My sin weighed upon your shoulders

My soul now to stand

So what could I say?

And what could I do?

But offer this heart, Oh God

Completely to you

So I'll walk upon salvation

Your spirit alive in me

This life to declare your promise

My soul now to stand

So what could I say?

And what could I do?

But offer this heart, Oh God

Completely to you

I'll stand

With arms high and heart abandoned

In awe of the one who gave it all

I'll stand

My soul Lord to you surrendered

All I am is yours

Day 5: "Come Alive (Dry Bones)"

Lauren Daigle sings a song called "Come Alive (Dry Bones)" and it is just magical. The lyrics are honest and real. So many times we hear people talking about the obvious blessings of God with big, cheesy grins on their face. We forget that there is a battle raging all around us. Dark vs. Light. We aren't always aware of the battle, but it's happening. One of my favorite verses is Exodus 14:14. "The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still." We don't realize the battle is going on, but we feel the effects of it in our lives. We feel trapped or weighted down. Anything but free. But God tells us that He will fight for us and we can just be still. In fact, I'm sure he prefers us being still and waiting for His direction. I don't believe God gets mad when we take off on our own again, but I do believe it makes Him sad. Just like the prodigal son and his father, God misses us when we are not close by. When we're not listening and waiting eagerly for His next Word. But. When we do come back, He doesn't scold us or give us the cold shoulder. He rejoices and celebrates that His child is home!

"Come Alive" references over and over the relentless love of God. His heart is for rescue. For redemption. For reconciliation. We waste so much time staying away from Him because of pride or shame or guilt or fear, and the whole time we're away, He's expectantly awaiting our return. I love that.

Here are the words:

Through the eyes of men it seems
There's so much we have lost
As we look down the road
Where all the prodigals have walked
One by one
The enemy has whispered lies
And led them off as slaves

But we know that you are God
Yours is the victory
We know there is more to come
That we may not yet see
So with the faith you've given us
We'll step into the valley unafraid, yeah

As we call out to dry bones
Come alive, come alive
We call out to dead hearts
Come alive, come alive
Up out of the ashes
Let us see an army rise
We call out to dry bones, come alive

God of endless mercy
God of unrelenting love
Rescue every daughter
Bring us back the wayward son
And By your spirit breathe upon them
Show the world that you alone can save
You alone can save

As we call out to dry bones
Come alive, come alive
We call out to dead hearts
Come alive, come alive
Up out of the ashes
Let us see an army rise
We call out to dry bones come alive

So breathe, oh breath of God
Now breathe, oh breath of God
Breathe, oh breath of God
Now breathe

Breathe, oh breath of God
Now breathe, oh breath of God
Breathe, oh breath of God, now breathe

As we call out to dry bones
Come alive, come alive
We call out to dead hearts
Come alive, come alive
Up out of the ashes
Let us see an army rise
We call out to dry bones come alive, yeah
We call out to dry bones, come alive

Oh come alive

Day 2: God's Word is Valuable

Up until my senior year of high school, my mom ran a day care. For a while when I was very little, that day care was a separate building from our home. When I was 9, Alayna was 4 and Marm realized she hadn't been at home with Alayna at all since she was born. So Marm quit the "external" day care and brought it to our house. She started out by just keeping a few kids during the day, and then she got licensed by the State to keep more and opened her own business. There were kids there when she woke us up for school and kids there when we got home. Some of them came and went, and some became part of the family.

One day, one of the children tore my Mom's Bible to pieces. She wrote in it, ripped out pages, and just destroyed it. My Mom was devastated. She loved her Bible so much and had written so many notes in the margins and underlined so many ways God spoke to her within those pages. It broke her heart to see it messed up, and she cried for a long time.

She got a new Bible--maybe a few more since that day--but that memory sticks out to me. My Mom loves her Bible. Not because of how much she paid for it or who gave it to her, but because of what's inside. She has always taught us songs about the Bible or written from Bible verses. She taught us to memorize scripture when we were little, and those verses are still with me. Her dad was a preacher, and her mom loved God's Word too, and that was passed down to my mother and then to me.

God's Word is valuable because of who God is. With technology today, you can carry multiple versions of the Bible in your pocket, but I still love turning the pages of the Book. God's Word is living and active and relevant to every day. I learned that from many people, but mostly from my Mom. Thanks Marm. :)

Growing Pains

One of the hardest lessons I've ever learned is that it's okay for people to not like me.
Actually, I'm still learning it.

Something I heard a lot growing up is that there will always be someone in your life who is hard to love. It could be a family member, a classmate, a coworker, an acquaintance, etc. There could be more than one person at a time, but there will always be someone. Usually that person is actually a lot like you, but you'd hardly ever want to admit that. You clash because you're alike or because you traditionally fill the same roles within a group--except this time, there are two of you and only one place to fill. That's when we have a choice to make. We can focus on the good and see the benefit of having that person around...their strengths, what they bring to the table that no one else can bring, what makes them unique, their spiritual gifts. Or we can let our pride take over and act like they are insignificant.

We can share our group. Our space. Our friends. Or we can be selfish and stubborn and set in our ways and our "spot".

The problem with having a "spot" is that sometimes we get so focused on where we always are, who we're always with, what we always do, that we miss out on good things. Not every change is good, but a lot of them are, and there's only one way to really find out if the upcoming change is going to be good or bad. We have to try it and see.

There are some things that are non-negotiable, but for everything else--the details--we can afford to have a little wiggle room. We can try out a different role in the group--one that may suit us better in the long run. We can share responsibilities and free up more time to spend with the people we love. We can move on from one activity and make room for others to enter while allowing ourselves to try something new. There's a lot of promise in new things--in changes, but there's also a lot of uncertainty, and that is sometimes scary. Some people find uncertainty exciting. I am not one of those people. But looking back on my life, I see that most of my growth and character building has come from times of uncertainty. It's not always easy to see it when you're in the middle of it. God has allowed me to be aware of some pruning that's happening in my life this Lenten season , and it's been a different experience for sure. One that I wouldn't change. Life is hard. We live in a fallen world that keeps racing further and further away from God, and (if you're a Christian) we feel constantly out of place in this world because our citizenship is in heaven.

We can try to please people or we can try to please God. If we try to please people, we will always fail. Everything we do will upset someone. Our world is so divided on so many issues that it would be impossible to try to make everyone like you. But we can please God. Not on our own because we are born sinners and God cannot be around sin. But through Jesus. Through His death, burial, and resurrection, we can be made new. Made whole. Made clean. Made into something that God can be pleased by and take great delight in. His creations who have chosen to pursue Him and a relationship with Him. God is pleased by that. The Christian life is not a checklist of good things we do. It's a two sided relationship that we need to invest in. The closer we get to God, the more we are able to see this world through His eyes and to see what His plan is for us.

I want that. I want to please God more than I want to please people. I forget that sometimes.

The counterpart to what everyone told me about always having someone in your life who is hard to love is something that NO ONE has ever said to me. Sometimes I am going to be that hard to love person for someone else.

My job is not to try to change myself or my behavior to appease people who do not like me. My job--my JOY--is to try to live a life that is pleasing to God. I cannot control the actions or opinions of others any more than I can control the weather (I can't control the weather, by the way). But I can control how I act, how I respond, how I react to others--with the help of God. I can't be perfect on my own. It's impossible. And I will still mess up even if I'm trying to let God dictate my life. I will still step on toes, hurt feelings, and offend. That much is inevitable. However, I can also hopefully encourage, build up, and offer healing to the people around me.

I've talked about my "Lent Theme Song" or "Lent Anthem" here before. The hardest verse for me to listen to is the one that says:

 

From the need to be understood

From the need to be accepted

From the fear of being lonely

Deliver me, Oh God

I am trying with everything inside me to sing that with conviction. To mean it. To crave the goodness of God over the things of this world. But it is a process. Lent always is. And I'm always amazed at the things God teaches me through this process. Every year is different and every lesson is perfect.

There is pain in growth.
But there is even more joy in being made whole.

My Lent Anthem

Today, The Nester wrote about choosing anthems in your life. I've already been thinking that I felt like I had a theme song for Lent this year, and her post confirmed my need for an anthem to accompany this time in my life. I tweeted last week about my song being "I Shall Not Want" by Audrey Assad. Here are the lyrics:

From the love of my own comfort
From the fear of having nothing
From a life of worldly passions
Deliver me O God

From the need to be understood
From the need to be accepted
From the fear of being lonely
Deliver me O God
Deliver me O God

And I shall not want, I shall not want
when I taste Your goodness I shall not want
when I taste Your goodness I shall not want

From the fear of serving others
From the fear of death or trial
From the fear of humility
Deliver me O God
Deliver me O God

And I shall not want, I shall not want
when I taste Your goodness I shall not want
when I taste Your goodness I shall not want

When you fill your body or your mind with bad stuff or even mediocre stuff, you start to crave bad or mediocre stuff. (Examples: sugar, salt, video games, tabloid magazines) In the same way, when you fill your body or mind with good things, you start to crave good things. (Examples: fresh, healthy food, God's Word, space to rest)

If your body is used to junk food, when you try to transition to healthy food, it's sometimes unpleasant. But after you've eaten healthy food for a period of time and you eat something crappy, your body will let you know that it does not appreciate crappy food. You'll start to notice that you feel better and have more energy and feel better equipped to go through the day when you have properly fueled your body with healthy food. You'll notice that the fast food or junk food you eat makes you feel lethargic or heavy or just bad.

Our minds and hearts work a little differently. When you've filled your mind and your heart with unworthy things, making the switch to good and holy things can be difficult. It takes discipline and self-control just like changing your diet. After you've been filling your mind and heart with good things, that one gossipy conversation can make you feel physically ill sometimes. But most of the time, our attitudes serve as the indicator that we haven't been watching what we "eat" as closely as we should. When we fill our minds and hearts with God and His Word, our outlook on life is filled with hope and joy despite our circumstances. We can have a terrible day or a rough week or month or year, and we can still trust that God is working all things together for our good regardless of how we feel. But if we have been neglecting God's Word and His voice, we will get negative. And snarky. And jealous. And prideful. And consumed with our selves and how we compare to everyone around us. Our outlook on life becomes one filled with distrust, sadness, and a sense that something is missing. That's because something IS missing. We push God out of our everydays and then wonder why we feel like we're missing something in our lives. Only when we focus on Him first will we see the world and ourselves as He sees. Just like the song says, when we taste His goodness, we won't want anything else.

Making God a part of your everyday life is not going to mean nothing bad or unpleasant ever happens to you. Bad things will still happen because we live in a corrupt and fallen world that NEEDS its Savior more than anything else. Life is still hard sometimes, but that doesn't mean it's bad.

Day 1: Why?

I decided to start with the "Why?" of REtraining for a race because I'm still kind of working that out for myself. I actually love running. I know some people hate it, and I can understand that. I personally hate jumping jacks, and you will never see me doing them joyfully. So I understand the anti-running mentality.

I used to think I hated running. Or that I wasn't "good" at it (can you even BE bad at running? Isn't it just a basic life skill?). Then, one day in the early fall of 2011, I decided to try it. I downloaded the Nike+ running app to my little iPhone, and took off. I ran one quarter of a mile without stopping and it freaked me out, so I stopped. Yes that is the truth. I thought I'd pass out or collapse if I ran more than a few steps, so I was shocked when I ran a whole .25 of a mile. The next day, I ran an entire mile. I'd love to tell you that "the rest is history" and I'm a disciplined, steady runner whether I have a race to train for or not, but that's not true. A couple of months after that first running adventure, I broke my toe and that put me out of commission for a while.

Fast forward 6 months or so. I walked a 5K in April of 2012, and decided after that to find a race and get back to training. I'm from Nashville, but moved to the Atlanta area in 2011, so I looked for half-marathons in either place. (See tomorrow's post on what made me decide to run half-marathons.) I found one I wanted to do in Nashville on November 10 and found a training program I could actually see myself doing. And from THERE, the rest is history. I ran my first half-marathon last November--almost a year ago now. My goals for the race were: 1. Don't finish last. 2. Don't fall down. 3. Run the whole time. I'm happy to tell you that I reached all 3 goals! (I dream real big.)

From then on, I've been inconsistent. That's pretty much the story of my life. I commit to do something, and then miss some days weeks months, and I kind of give up. I've found, however, that I'm less likely to give up if I have accountability. If someone is counting on me, I'll do my part. That's why I chose to write about getting back in to running for my 31 Days adventure. If you (whoever you are) are reading this, you're holding me accountable whether you know it or not. So, thank you. :) I also managed to talk my little sisters into running a 15K (9.3 miles) with me in Atlanta in January. I made them a training schedule based on the Hal Higdon training plan, and I'm going to stick to the same plan they're doing too. I'm going to specifically work on getting faster this time. We're starting with low miles so we can build a solid base, and I'd like to be faster. Since speed was not one of my goals for my first half, I have something to work off of and I can try to beat my time in the next one.

So here we are. I ran two days last week to get ready for this week, but today is the REAL start of my training plan, and it's also the start of the 31 Days of blogging. Thanks for being here and going on this journey with me. I want to take care of myself--mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually--and running benefits all of those areas for me. I have lots of reasons why I want to run again, but I feel like God wants to take me somewhere deeper with it and with this blogging process. I'm ready for it, and I'm happy to take you with me!

Loves.

31 Days to Retraining

Once upon a time, I ran a half-marathon. This is the account of me getting back into running after nearly 5 months of...not running, and the adventure God is taking me on in the process.

Day 1: Why?

Day 2: How I chose Half-Marathons 

Day 3: A Confession 

Day 4: Balance 

Day 5: Weekend Running

Day 6: Sunday Runday? 

Day 7: Finishing Well 

Day 8: How Do You Know?

Day 9: Making Time

Day 10: Sometimes I Forget

Day 11: Fuel

Day 12: Let It Go

Day 13: Early Mornings

Day 14: A Different Kind of Fuel

Day 15: Struggle

Day 16: What We Need

Day 17: Listen

Day 18: Focus

Day 19: Even if...

Day 20: Choose Wisely

Day 21: Begin Again

Day 22: Just Keep Going

Day 23: Lifers

Day 24: Sleep?

Day 25: Time

Day 26: Decide what to be

Day 27: Happy Birthday Mom!

Day 28: Recovery

Day 29: Expectations

Day 30: Real Life

Day 31: Grace

Choosing the calm.

I procrastinate. Or maybe it just takes me longer to process things and formulate opinions and ideas. In the Color Guard world, there are two kinds of learners: microwaves and crock pots. Stay with me. A microwave learner picks something up immediately. They're quick. Like a microwave. A crock pot learner takes more time for the concept to sink in. Sometimes you have to wait a full day or even overnight, but once they've got it--it sticks. They take more time. Like a crock pot. Both ways produce the desired outcome. Neither is wrong. They're just different. I said all that to say... I think I'm a crock pot when it comes to ideas. I wanted to write about this yesterday, but I either had too much on my mind or hadn't landed on a central topic yet and I just didn't. So here I am today. Maybe it's a testament to being able to choose the calm that I'm writing this today. We'll see.


This year, I gave up coffee for Lent. (If you don't know what Lent is, you can read more about it here.) I'm not Catholic or Lutheran or Anglican. I'm Baptist. So it may seem odd to you that I participate in Lent, but it's something I started observing as a religion student at Belmont, and it helps me get my heart and mind focused and ready for Easter every year, so I've kept it up.

If you know anything about me at all, you probably know that coffee is very near and dear to my heart. I've had some wonderful friends over the years that have introduced me to quaint coffee shops and styles of brewing coffee and how espresso is actually a lot like wine in that you can taste different hints of flavors depending on the origin of the coffee beans or how it's processed. Coffee fascinates me, and I love it dearly. I didn't give up coffee for Lent to punish myself. I gave up coffee for Lent because of what coffee represented to me. Coffee had become an escape - a quick fix - an addiction. I had at least one cup every morning, but most of the time I'd have another cup or two in the afternoon or evening. I stopped drinking soft drinks almost three years ago, so coffee has been my main source of caffeine.

I am the proud owner of a Starbucks Rewards Card that has my name and "Member since 2011" stamped on the front of its shiny gold surface. I've used it so often that it's starting to show the effects of being swiped through a card reader over and over and over--sometimes multiple times a day. Not only was I essentially using coffee like a drug, I was also being irresponsible with my money by spending so much of it on coffee every month. Did you know that you can reload your Starbucks card online or from an app on your smart phone? You can. It's very easy. Too easy. After $25 here and $10 there, I was just drinking my paychecks away. If you read that sentence alone, you'd think I was talking about alcohol. Nope. Still coffee. Are you starting to see the problem I had? Kind of ridiculous. IT'S JUST COFFEE. I told myself that I didn't need it. I could live without it. But many afternoons, I'd find myself in the drive-thru on the way home from work. I'm not in college anymore. I have a normal, grown up, day job. It is not necessary for me to stay up past midnight. Ever. I don't need coffee at 5pm. Or 7pm.

Long story short, I gave up coffee because I had to. You don't have to be addicted to prescription medicine or illegal drugs or alcohol to be a "user and abuser". You can abuse anything (or anyone) by relying on them at all. If I want to really follow Jesus, I rely on Him. That's all. The end. I don't rely on anything or anyone else. Not even myself. Without Jesus, I am nothing. Without Jesus, I can do nothing. I am incapable of fixing things on my own--no matter how many times I try, I cannot do it. The good news is, Jesus already fixed it when He died in my place and then defeated death with His resurrection! (Happy Easter!) So really it's pretty stupid of me to try and fix things that Jesus already fixed. I'm doing WAY more work than I need to do. What I didn't realize was that I was using coffee as a means to fuel my pride. I was trying to control everything and handle everything by staying awake. That's so unhealthy. It's not just bad for my body, but also for my mind, my heart, my soul, my relationships, my sanity. I didn't realize any of this until I cut coffee out of my life.

The first couple of days were difficult. If you've ever given up anything addictive, you know that your body goes through withdrawals. Weaning yourself off of coffee means caffeine headaches. Good news though. Water helps. A lot. And sleep helps. And they don't last forever. Now is probably a good time to mention that I did not give up caffeine in general for Lent. Just coffee. So I still drank iced tea and hot tea and ate chocolate. (Side note: I gave up chocolate for Lent two years ago. That ship has sailed. Thankyouverymuch.) I'm 2 days post-Easter and 3 days post-Lent, and I've had approximately 4 cups of coffee since Sunday morning. I thought about not going back to it at all, but God has healed my heart in this situation. I'll spare you the tearful details, but it has been A JOURNEY. Aren't all good things part of a journey? It's definitely not over yet, but my perspective of it--of life--is different. Who knew coffee could have that kind of impact?

Drinking just tea and water for the last 6 weeks or so is what caused a shift in my perspective, and HERE is where you'll find the meaning of this post's title (...are you excited??). I like words. Let's play a word game. When you hear the word "coffee", what do you think of? Here's what I think of: energy, speed, heat, being frantic, rushing, green mermaid ladies. Next question. When you hear the word "tea", what do you think of? Here's my list: calm, warm, time, space, pretty things, refreshing. Do you see a difference? I'm not saying that drinking coffee means you're frantic or in a hurry. Coffee can be refreshing. When I think of times I've met my friends for coffee, I think of times of refreshment and restoration and soul-filling conversation. My problem wasn't with coffee. Coffee is not the bad guy here. My problem was in my heart. Whenever I felt frantic or out of control, I would turn inward to fix the problem, using coffee as fuel. What I should ALWAYS do instead is turn to Jesus. Turning to Jesus can mean more than one thing. Sometimes it's just getting alone with my Bible, my journal and a pen and spending time in God's Word. Sometimes it's going for a walk outside where I can enjoy God's creation. Sometimes it's allowing people who care ABOUT me to care FOR me. Sometimes it's asking people who are smarter than I am for help. And sometimes those situations involve coffee. Or tea. Or water. Or juice. Or ice cream. But turning to Jesus NEVER looks like me handling anything on my own.

Trying to do life alone is not what God intended for us. It's actually dangerous. God designed us for community--both with Him and with other people. In the Amplified version of the Bible, 1 Peter 5:6-7 says:

Therefore humble yourselves [demote, lower yourselves in your own estimation] 

under the mighty hand of God, that in due time He may exalt you,

Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] 

on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully.

Isn't that wonderful? God cares FOR me and ABOUT me. Like I said before, Jesus already finished the work on the cross. There's no work left to be done. I just have to let go and trust Him. We have the easiest jobs in the world, but so often we make things more difficult than they are. The featured blog at (in)courage today is about letting go of our worries. We carry things around that God has offered to take from us and carry for us. We are dumb, y'all. That's dumb! God is bigger than any of our problems or concerns or worries or insecurities, and (bonus!) He wants to take care of us and carry it for us! Can we just let Him? 

I'm committing to not trying to fix anything on my own. Because I can't. There is nothing too big or too small for God. I can't tell you what to do because I don't know your story. I haven't lived it. But I can tell you that it's not worth trying to carry burdens on your own. I don't have any answers to give you, so let me just encourage you. Jesus is there. Waiting patiently for us to trust Him. He will handle the hard things. Sometimes it seems hard to let go, but honestly it ends up being so much easier and so much better than holding on. 

So let go with me? Choose the calm over the storm. It's not about the coffee or the tea. It's about the state of our hearts and who we're relying on. Choose the calm. 

Love.

Struggle.

In this quest to become more graceful (as in "full of grace", not as in "not clumsy"--that's a whole other battle), I have become more and more aware of my words. Ann Voskamp writes about thanksgiving and how all of our sin stems from the original sin of ingratitude. Beth Moore writes about realizing that Christ crucified and raised is enough. And I copy these nuggets of wisdom down and tweet them and retweet them and add them to my notebooks and journals and try to hide them in my heart with the promises of God. I even invite others to join me in my endeavor to be more grateful and choose gratitude and joy and respond in grace through this platform and my Twitter account and my Facebook page... but when I get in a situation where I need to respond in grace, it is still not easy. Now, I'm not dense enough to think it would be easy. I'm not surprised. I just feel like the daily (hourly? minute-ly?) struggle should be acknowledged. There is no "quick fix". Honestly, I'm kind of glad it's a process. It affirms my constant need for Jesus and His grace when I have none of my own to offer.

Proverbs 15:28 says: "The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil."  (NIV)

Yep. Gushes. How many times has it seemed like I could not stop my words? I could've, but it was easier for me to just let the evil gush out of my mouth. Wondering why? In the book of Matthew, Jesus is talking to the Pharisees (the religious ones...the ones who had all the answers...the smart guys...the "holy" ones...the rule followers...me?) and He says: "You brood of vipers! How can you speak good, when you are evil? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." [Matt. 12:34, ESV] I'm the same as the Pharisees. How can I expect good to flow out of my mouth when my heart is filled with judgment and anger and unforgiveness? THAT is why it's so easy for evil to gush out when the opportunity presents itself.
So. How do I fix it? The truth is... I don't. The good news is...Jesus can. And He does. If I ask Him to. Isn't He so good? Too good for me, for sure! But I am so glad it's in His character to love me in spite of my gushing evil mouth and disgusting heart. And PRAISE THE LORD that He has covered all of me--mouth and heart included--with His blood, so when the Father sees me, He sees the perfection of His Son and not my broken sinfulness. Amen? Isn't it true then? Christ. Crucified and raised IS enough. It's more than enough. It's everything. That should put everything else in perspective for us. We have no right to be ungrateful. Christ DIED for us. Anything else we get is just because He loves us and delights in us and sings over us. How dare we ask for more. We are so arrogant sometimes to think we know best when we know nothing. And, truthfully, it doesn't matter if we know anything at all so long as we know Him.

Praise God He wants to know us.